A word from our sponsors: the american taxpayer

At first I was going to rehash the seemingly endless spew about how fairness really comes down to the contributors of a society and blah blah blah.

Well, that might be whats fair... on paper. But lets think about 'fair' for a while, shall we?

Does society not stand at least a little on the minimum wage making persons? I don't know about you but a part of me thinks about it, just a little, when I go to say Taco Bell for a quick snack or am buying toilet paper at the drug store. I ain't saying a shed a tear - after all, anyone that's in American has already whooped the hard part about life. But... I realize it. Heck, maybe that's why I only eat and drink at restaurants where tipping is acceptable. That or perhaps its something to do with food quality...

All I am saying is that perhaps we do benefit from this lower 20%. I am unsure if I am saying I know what to do about a lot of the issues with social programs and all that exist in a tax-n-spend nation like ours but I know enough to consider the history class I was begrudgingly made to attend. In that class, we learned that the Pilgrims came here for religeous freedoms but also freedoms from things like debtors prisons and unusual punishment. Some approaches that really did seem to make a whole lot of sense in the recent financial crisis that is going to cost a lot of non-greedy people a whole bunch of money and worse - years of bewilderment in their lives. And though the pilgrims might be classified by the many as 'ignorant slave owners' they're offspring made ended up making the constitution a bit like I think they regarded themselves - open to change because nothing is ever quite perfect.

I would like to think I can live up to this sort of now forgotten wisdom. So much of life is someone telling you about how 'everything is going to be alright when...' and then it gets implemented just to prove a whole slew of other problems.

I know on paper I am someone that sort of thrives in thinking outside the box only to be compelled to stay inside the box anyway for a feeling of grounded-ness.

That's OK - thinking openly and broadly doesn't give me too much pain, really. And maybe it shouldn't to the average American, either.

Spontaeous Moving?!?

I am moving to NYC in a few days. I did not, in fact, decide to go to Vegas so that I was a responsible adult (but MAN did I want to... hahah... its fun, and nice, and fun.) I wanted some sun and a tan before I went to NYC but I guess the fall is here and why not concentrate on the NYC apartment, moving and getting nice furniture?

I have, over the years, done some serious griping about SF. But c'mon - lets look at the good sides. At the right time of day you can buy a microwave for $10 from a crack head! I'm totally kidding (in that half smirk kind of way that I do when I kind of mean it) - this place is a financial center for the US, a hub of technology for the entire world and honestly has some great places to eat. I mean, as far as a human goes, lets not look too much further...

Well, human is really probably off the mark. I understand that white people are lazy and have shite food - american, UK, or german - its all pretty much lips and assholes right? reminds me of politics but anyway...

My great grandmother, my grandma and my lovely mom (and my awesome aunt) all know how to make middle eastern food (not the rubbish greek stuff - but lebanese and syrian). I think, when its all said and done, and we have all had our day of trying to sort out why we are all so different in america, that being 1/4 middle eastern is almost the proudest thing that I have. Why? I have met people from Beirut and Tehran and let me say that they come along with all their baggage from living out of bomb shelters - the good aspects of not getting beaten when life has you by the nads, and the bad where life says 'do this or not survive'. In the end you have to love the spice, the love and sheer passion of middle easterners - whether its Jewish, Lebanese, Persians or Egyptians they have all paid their price for being unique in their own way. Jewish girls are nutty? Yeah, totally. Lebanese too focused? Sure. Egyptians too damn nice for their own good? Probably so. Persians too much lover and not anything of a fighter? Completely.

But hell, isn't this the stuff we respect and love?

I can't say that I appreciate the 'do more, get more' crap of the suburban factory workers. Where is the love? Where is the community? Where is the village raising kids?

In hindsight I carry on, triumphantly, a flag passed on to me by my grandpa who was Czech. We all respected our elders as a people. We all spent Sundays together as a people. And, when those with those values died, we died out as a people. I aim to carry that legacy on - I will one day spend my Sundays feeding kids hot dogs, I will one day spend my Saturdays shopping with my wife because she likes it, I will one day place a lot of value on my own culture.

I am an american, I am free and I am made up of many distinct backgrounds. I will not forget that by living it out every day.

I am now too integrated and learned by a new wave of immigrants and I love them as we were loved coming here 120 years ago. That is, after all, the American way and I intend to keep it strong.

--Zed

hoorah to the urban centers

So the time has come - I asked the boss if I could retain my position and go, and the answer was a trivial 'yes'. And actually that leaves me with a LOT more work to do than before.

For one, I can get the hell out of this crap apartment. It's served it's purpose... many a time I have looked out my windows onto the huge view before me, lit a fire in the fireplace, and watched Entourage or British comedy in the same humble abode with a girlfriend or someone random.

But today marks something a lot different - I am, almost certainly, moving on. I have the cash, I have the interest and mostly I freakin have to if I am to save my sanity. Yes, I have issues that man, I don't know how to overcome... that SF has given me. Well, this kind of crap happens to everyone - maybe I didn't sign up for it via wreckless behaviour had as much as everyone else... but hell, its the way it goes.

Remember - I can come back into the city at any point. I can work in the peninsula or across the bridge or in the city at any point, too (I have more or less been offered jobs in all these locations without solicitation anyway so there ya go).

So here we go - I need to journal everything from here on out even if it feels like its lame. Maybe I will write it "Cold Mountain" style... like a love poem. Maybe then things will have some merit, my sweet Adelia! I can still smell your hair in my bloody, war torn nostrils after the damn yankees blew apart my leg and favorite groin part! But I know our love will persist, Adelia, even if I have not the appendages to fulfill your yearning. We will find a way, together, even if I have to employ the carpenter, the blacksmith and the priest (to bless it) - we can find a way to satisfy your temptations!

Now where in the hell did that come from? I should probably get one of those 'past life channelers' to visit me and sell me some $10k books on how to get more information on this crazy past.

We should get into the cracks...

I think there is a singular idea that the left highlights that we do need to sort out: what about those people that fall into the cracks?

Sure, I'm relatively smart and able. I can also tell a long tale of living in a 500 person town and somehow figuring out a way to work a paper route because darnit, I just wanted those radio control car parts! And sure - this yarn includes hard work, some hardship and really just doing it on my own with little support from anyone else. Indeed, my brothers didn't feel the need to do it - it was just me. And that made me actually a select few of that small society - the paper carriers.

But nope, I won't - and I'm not detracting the statements above like a dirty prosecutor at a trial. What I mean is that there are lots of us (or at least a few, like the paper carriers) that have that story - overcoming a little adversity to obtain a piece of what is really the american dream: a free flowing economy means showing up and chasing it down is the bar of which success can be measured. And if you ask me, it is. That is, depending on your encumberances.

I developed post traumatic stress disorder during my final year of college. I had enrolled for at least 2 engineering classes too many considering my 30+ hour load at a local telecom company. On the surface, I had never been better since the co-op was a huge resume booster and the school load was going to get me back on target after 4 years of socializing. Under this stress, however, I cracked. I didn't really ever think it was possible.. especially for me after having been through a lot of stress.

But it happened. Dying was on every thought, every moment, of every day. And it's a lot like being ill... you never really think your going to be like that for long - you just want it to end sooner than later. So we seem to have a bit of builtin optimism for ailments, of which this one seemed. But this didn't dry up and go away. Up to 7 years afterwards, the ailment still remained. On that path I had gone through ups and downs with it and overall had achieved a little bit of learning and career growth amidst it. But the early days, at that same co-op, I was almost driven to tears by my fears (ah.. 'tears for fears'.. I get it now). In reality being strong or able-minded can be a huge draw back - no one really ever realized how I felt. I remember trying to talk about my fears with everyone but it was merely shrugged off by everyone. After all, I admit, it was more than a tad of a long shot I was actually in a situation that would mean my immediate demise. Not many people were around to sooth or support me on getting some inspection into the issue - I was afraid of the truth. And so I existed ... in a sort of stasis bubble between belief and reality. For years.

So wow - how the HECK does that tie into those in the cracks? I admit, the above was slightly drawn out but for a reason - we shouldn't underestimate the complete and true impact our belief systems and situations can have on people's lives. In my case, I went from a guy that just thought and was proven in 'just get up and do it' to a guy that could barely get out of bed in the morning and feared another day. The event that caused the dichotomy was also just a few minutes of my life. Can you imagine living in the ghetto for your WHOLE life, going through many traumatic events? Is it right to be a product of that? I don't think it should be approved of but yet what else do we expect? From my own experiences (and I don't wish the PTSD on anyone) I understand that the human mind doesn't work like that. We aren't the borg. Sure, I think that genetics have something to do with how well you can slam dunk a basketball (those that argue with this point are dogmatic in their equlities) OR how well you do in Art (I love it but I suck at it) or Math (ok, I'm ok at this...). I am fine in being 'real' about this and everyone else should be too.

But the cracks remain in a society like america. Just like I couldn't keep up with a work / school schedule while going through PTSD, I don't think those that grow up in generational poverty / ghettos can possibly get up one day and go to Harvard. I mean yeah - there will be that one kid that had a good support system that breaks out, but to agree with a long time of latency with a friend from college - I think your screwed from day 1. And since it's generational and learned by some degree it won't go away without some intervention.

So.. I said it - intervention. That usually means that we feel that it's our right to get involved with someone else because they are unequivacably screwing their lives up. To be honest, I can't really find a ton wrong with this definition for the average person in the ghetto _when viewed in terms of living in the United States_. Sure - their lifestyle is actually pretty great and high end when compared with a LOT of people in the world, but in the US it's going to cause nothing but mental strife for everyone involved.

We need to figure out a way to help empower those that fall into the cracks. I don't think that the fatherless kids walking around the mall and breaking into cars know much better in their hearts. They need that example. It's easy to go on about how I never did that crap and how I worked. But you know, I didn't grow up in the ghetto. I wish I had a lot more growing up but hey, I am what I am. The fact is, unlike so many out there, I can say that I too would be pulled into lots of harm and trouble if I didn't have a good character example, someone to straighten me out and lots of peer's families to find myself wanting to be like.

This isn't available there - where is THAT solution? With that solution, we don't need welfare or social programs or whatever. With that solution we orient others to be at peace in life and enable them to take full advantage of what is out there as an opportunity for a lot of others. But only once they are no longer encumbered by the sins of the figures of their past.

I can't support generational ghettos with no future but I can support building something that enables freedoms to be acted upon. And if that means hip-hop and building custom cars for everyone, then lets go for it. Along the way those acts will need flyers made on a computer and tools sold to the garages - all good jobs that if one felt he 'could' he just 'might'.

Til next time.

Politics: Guess ya have to get involved sometime

I started watching some political stuff that I think if all other Americans chose to watch, would probably turn the tide into voting for Bob Barr (Libertarian). I should hit the points in both media as well as a contrast to my previous viewpoints over the years:

Today's Fact: The principle of a government is to support society, not create one.
Yesterday's Flaw: I used to think that when we voted there were a lot of social wars going on out there - abortion, welfare, schools, etc. The thing is that when we look at the previous tides in our government's success, it is largely due to keeping things in line at an operational level, not a community one. Think in terms of a corporation - the custodians of shared, public infrastructure are elected rights to do so with a pool of money (a 'budget') are in charge of 'operations'. The government should be very good and efficient with at least this end of things. Unfortunately, it isn't.

* I actually think I consider more stuff than othersWhen you learn of different assessment tests that measure values, communication styles and interests there is something that grows in your judgement of society. Mostly it is a sort of filtering that takes place and says 'well they do that for a reason - whether its nature or nurture... they are a driven individual that unfortunately lies to get what they want'. Of course, most people are neither the 'Driver' type (DISC assessment) nor do they intend to lie solely to get what they want (a lack of value in truth, measured in various ways). Fact: What we see around us in society can be explained much deeper than just our own judgement, just as a ball falling to the ground can be expressed as F = mg. In fact, many argue that it is this lack of humility that create the flawed assumptions in our judgement.

Short list to a Big road

Quick assessment:
* My home lifestyle is only a little better than college. My apartment is smaller than my last room in college, and about as old. It's furnished, too, which means that my furniture in college was many times better (this table and bed and CRAP is ... crap). NO refrigerator (never since college has this happened) ... crap everything.
* All of my previous apartments were 10x nicer post college which means in some ways I've taken a step backwards.
* My lifestyle, while rather nice in my clothes and restaraunts isnt really all that satisfying... even rather decent stuff gets old after a while. Sometimes I just miss having 3 layer hummus dip with chips at home.
* I have a good palette for wine now
* I sort of like scotch now
* I think I have a handle on the drinking thing now in a much better way (though the solo trashed nights still happen every few weeks, its better than a few times a week)... working on it.

Time to throw down my list of todo items... on to becoming a grown up! (again) :
* New apartment - PREFERRED: nice, modern, accepts my credit report :/
* New job - company or position both acceptable
* New housewares
* Ferragamo Black Loafers
* New couch
* New table
* new sock collection.. have to look for these (been a while)
* settle on some nice underoos and go for it.

Things I've already done on this trek:
* New, nice wool rugs (4 total now - 1 dual patternred, 1 pattern red, 1 super shag brown, 1 tan pattern)
* Wardrobe overall - many a ted baker, robert graham, 7 jeans, ferragamo shoes, ted baker shoes, bill adler belts, lots of jackets, even a Boss suit.
* Guitar crap - PRS McCarty, Marshall combo, Mesa combo, rack and pedal effects, microphones, stands, cables, recording interface, 2 headphones.
* Computer stuffs - 2 servers - 1 for operations the other for testing. Laptops all from work while I work there.

What is my goal? I want to get back to organized, having my stuff in order and having the right stuff that motivates me a little bit.

I tease myself with the idea of moving at least out of the city, maybe to a whole new city or at least to a whole new state. What would that help, really? I guess I just can't decide if weird and 'sometimes nice' is better than familiar and detached (my guess on the NYC thing). Anyone know? tell me. I had a huge change of heart when I read a blog by a girl from Columbus who has lived in NYC for the last few years. She is talking about moving too and on her list is San Fran! I guess we know we need to be somewhere thats happening but those good ole middle eastern sensibilities about people come rising up... expecting it be cool, I guess.

Explanation of this one.. this blog.

I realized that you know, I need a journal for 3 things:

* My thoughts on whats going on with stuff... you know... maybe world events (though I hope not) clear to random philosophical questions.
*